I haven't told many here on DA what's going on with me. Do I dare test the waters? I have no clue anymore; I think I might as well for my own sanity. I wouldn’t dare post this on my Facebook where all my less close school friends would freak. They still could check this site because it's listed as my "website". If they do, I don't care; if it makes waves then I still won't care. What happens-happens.

I'm the person who's always so well put together. This year hasn't been my best. Actually, I've been about as low as my first year of High school to put it into comparison biographically speaking. That's not a good thing. That's major down in the dumps Kira. I was close to seriously running away from school in high school; I was that close fall and winter semester too. Things are getting better only because I'm changing. The situations around me are not. I know my language is vague but please hear me out.

The main thing is that I need to grow up allot. The world is demanding it and so am I. Why? For the longest time I have been weak willed in certain things, unable to let things go, unable to say: I'll leave it for another day, another time. That is such a hard thing to do. I have to have faith in myself that I can make it through the trials that happen here at college.

Academically I'll be fine. I could pass with my eyes closed if I had to. It's just other things that are hard here: mainly people. People you can't forget whether they are around or not, people from the past, people you hope for in the future, people you can't stand, people you wished you loved, people you know you'd do anything for even though you're judgment is skewed and you know it. I'd call this a "people" problem. I know everyone has issues like this sometimes but goodness can I have a break please? Can I find enough strength to forget? Or do I have to remember and live with loss, love and heartache forever? This is why I need to grow up. I need to stop moping. I've done far too much of it this year. I've cried far too much this year. I've made progress this year. Progress towards a self that is half actualized. I need to be patient and strong and take charge of my destiny again like I had before certain roadblocks occurred. It's not like I haven't done this before. But it's difficult getting back on a horse that loves to kick you when you're down.

I'm going to do it, but it's going to take effort and no more lazing around.
I refuse to be stuck anymore.
I know I can survive whatever I need to, but "stuck" is not good, it's counterproductive.
So:
NO MORE STUCK!
Is added to my mantra of "no matter what I'll be ok".

Love,

Kira